The Things We Do for Love-What a Stalker Taught my Family

"Lord knows why we do it
the choices we must make,
the roads we all must travel
for someone else's sake " ~Z

For months our family has been plagued by a stalker and, yet, despite the turmoil, the heartbreak, frustration, anguish and sometimes intense anxiety, my daughter's ex-boyfriend and the entire situation has alternately shown me what it means to love.

It's strange how that happens. Life ushers in fateful twists and turns, challenges us on several levels, but always somehow opens the door to awakenings. Not surprisingly, every moment embodies and engenders such opportunities.


For us, it all started when my teenage daughter chose to leave this young man, a year her junior. Before the end of the school year she told him. She knew it would be difficult, but did it anyway. She knew this young man had anger management problems and residual sorrow from the years he grew up in the city where he lost family members to gangs. She urged him to talk to the social worker for more than year and even tried to be the social worker in many ways. Finally, she realized that enough was enough. He needed more!


Before she left, they fought. He often arrived unannounced demanding attention. During her time at a family member's home several hundred miles away, the whole breakup escalated! He constantly rang her cell phone and then showed up at my door, out of nowhere.......

I'd be out in the yard and look up to find him standing behind me or appearing from the corner.

Pleas to talk, I, at first, appeased. I treated him as I would anyone. After all, he was also hurting. Compassion in all things!

We chatted about his hopes and dreams for college and a career after he finished high school. I listened mostly. When he spoke of his mistakes and how he would do anything to get my daughter back, the timbre in his voice changed. The way he uttered those words, the passion, the anger, and the turmoil echoed from within. I felt it!

All at once, I understood my daughter's position. Feeling her fear across hundreds of miles that separated us then, I told her ex-boyfriend that love means wanting someone else's happiness even when it is not with us, even when someone wants something or someone beyond our choosing. Love is unselfish and endless!


At the conclusion of the lengthy conversation, he thanked me. Little did I know that over the next several weeks he would methodically attempt to destroy any serenity, any peace, and security my family had known. It had always been the three of us, my son, my daughter and me, through thick and thin. This merely tested our strength, our love and our dedication to each other once again. (I didn't say it was easy!)

As soon as my daughter returned home, he showed up demanding to see her. He stood toe to toe with me or my son, pushing himself against the screen door trying to look in and, on several occasions, opening the front door. He refused to leave several times and always found another excuse to return. He'd drop letters and items in unexpected places and even throw them through the door as a reason to enter once more. Finally, her ex-boyfriend used each and every one of his family members to get to her one way or another in the name of love.

He inspired fear and uncertainty on every level!

The police did little to help. The officer returned anything exchanged between them and told her ex-boyfriend he could not contact her in any way, shape or form and that he could not grace our door, but little more. My daughter, a virtual prisoner, changed her phone number several times, stayed away from cyberspace and all other mediums of communication. She remained on "house arrest" until we could find her safer ground. We couldn't keep her safe! We loved her enough to let her be free and happy and find a way to finish high school. Understandably, I cannot disclose how or where.

Just when we thought we could breathe again, this young man requested information from several of her friends regarding her whereabouts. They didn't answer. They didn't know where she was. We decided it was easier if they lacked the information. Even if her ex-boyfriend became violent with them, they had nothing to disclose.

Finally, he hacked her MySpace and arranged her status to engaged, her mood to read that they were back together again, etc............ His own page stands testimony to his obsession and reiterates how he will do anything to get her back regardless of what happens to him. With my daughter's assistance, we quickly notified security on MySpace, deleted people who had any connection to this young man and blocked him. He reacted almost immediately. Sadly, the situation escalated and we moved her once again, faster and farther than before. The three of us rode together again mostly under the cover of the night. I tried to savor the moments.

After completing formalities, registering her in school and helping her arrange her room in the few morning hours we had, it was time to say "Good-bye." I knew she'd be safe and loved. I knew she'd have infinitely more opportunities than I could give her now, but still it was so very hard. Choking back the tears, I hugged her, whispering love and wisdom in her ear, desperately trying to smile. Even my son struggled with a well-spring of emotions, despite his facade.

I love my daughter, without question. I love her as surely as I breathe, a surely as I share this. I miss her more than mere words could ever express, but her health and well-being, safety and happiness are all that really matter!

Upon reflection, within the quiet moments, I realize, the stalker who entered into my family's life, taught us about the value of living in the moment. He taught us about strength and resolve and about sacrifice. (For those reminders and lessons, we are grateful.) Mostly he taught us about love--selfless and endless love!

Oh the things we do for love..........

(I appreciate the friends and family members who have been there for us throughout these difficult times. I wish I could list you all here, but circumstance delimits it. Words cannot express our gratitude for your love and support. Love to you!)
Namaste.
Debra 湘君

Bridges in the Middle of the World 2

(Part One here)

While researching and studying Huaihua, China, I had the unique opportunity to live with people from more than 60 countries, from virtually every religion, ethnicity and region of the world. This is why I say this little town and the International Chinese Medicine Hospital more fully inaugurated me as a global citizen. Truncated within distinctly Chinese culture and expectations thereof, serving as an intermediary on so many levels, I began to see the world more clearly. Regardless, I am compelled to share some of those conversations with patients who became friends hoping that it might ignite more sparks within hearts and minds and inaugurate more global citizenship.

Due to the conflict between Israel and the people of the Gaza strip, I could not remain silent. Rather it is my intention to open your mind to the conversation among the people as well as between them.

In Huaihua, I lived with many Muslims, studied with many Israelis and experienced the interaction between them. It was NOT hostile. Rather, the Israelis I encountered insisted that the Muslims were their brothers. Some openly hugged them. Most exchanged warm, friendly conversation! This was not a one-way exchange, but one of reciprocity, mirroring the occurrences and lifestyle within Jerusalem before World War I. In centuries prior to this, each locale had residents of differing faiths that lived together and celebrated each others' holidays. I was fortunate, too, to be a part of this, to fully participate, engage in these celebrations with my international family in Huaihua. It was a blessing!

Yet, there is a bit of hostility that often brews under the surface, serves as an undertone within the context of international relations. When I asked the Muslims, mostly Arabs, why there was so much conflict, many of them spoke of the 1967 war. They highlighted the lack of discussion! In order to illustrate this more effectively, I will use their words and stories.
As it was explained to me........

This Arab man, who lived within the US for a time told me. "You take my ring and you don't want to give it back. Then we sit down. We discuss. You still don't want to give it back. Then you give me something. But still, we discuss!"

In fact, many of the Muslims shared the same view. From them, I more fully grasped the understanding that the end of the 1967 war had not ended with a discussion. Rather, it concluded with a mandate and a sort of subjugation, dismissal and even voicelessness. So many lost their lives. Yet, there was no reparation ordered. The Palestinians were still a landless but recognized people. But the most troubling part of this equation was the complete lack of discussion.

This is NOT how business or affairs are conducted within the Middle East. I doubt that any other region would have accepted a "mandate" with unequal discussion or lack thereof. Indeed, there needs to be one sooner than later.

As I sit here, wondering how many of these people with whom I shared meals, conversations, quiet moments, shopping, etc., are still alive and/or affected by the violence, it pulls at my heart strings immeasurably and reminds me that we are ALL connected. It begs me to ask whether we have fully protected each sacred life and truly valued each one of them.

That said, I sincerely believe that the role of the UN is not only to protect the Israelis but also to provide equal protection for the Palestinians. Each has a right to life without fear, to health, to the necessities and stuff of life and to self-determination. After all, human rights and self-determination are not hierarchical in nature. They are about life and our commitments to the well being of each other. Failure to do so, reflects upon each one of us, asking us to look into life's mirror, into our hearts and minds and give a little more.
Praying forward the day when we truly value each person, each life.